a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
