I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
