Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
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