buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
