Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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