Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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