I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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