I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
