just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
