Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
This toilet bowl is my home.
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