chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
