pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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