I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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