I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
