Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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