Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
