rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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