It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
