I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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