everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
