I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
