Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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