Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
