My nipple is on Facebook.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
