I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
