I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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