There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
