Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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