They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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