You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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