I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
