if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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