The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
They took my balls.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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