1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
im drinking this country out of the recession.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
