i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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