drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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