I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
