He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Randomize
