who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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