I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
