saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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