Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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