Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
