Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
