Jerry, you need to find god
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
