can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
