Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
