don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
