Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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