nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
