First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
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He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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