I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
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there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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