hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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