found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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