My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
