I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
