he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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