my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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