reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
